


tell her

by holtzbabe



Category: Ghostbusters (2016)
Genre: F/F, Mutual Pining, Mutually Unrequited, bad timing, but you know they'll figure it out in the end
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-03
Updated: 2018-06-07
Packaged: 2019-05-17 12:09:10
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 8,525
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14832011
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/holtzbabe/pseuds/holtzbabe
Summary: Maybe one day she'll tell her for real.





	1. i. falling

**Author's Note:**

> This is loosely based on Friends and a prompt I got a long time ago, which will be revealed later. Unbetaed and written about half an hour ago, so apologies for any mistakes.

i.     falling

“Tell her how you feel.”

Holtz stills, but her hands don’t stop working. She’s building what she thinks she’s going to call the Ghost Chipper.

She doesn’t look up. “Who?”

Abby rolls her eyes. “Erin.”

Holtz runs her tongue over her top teeth. “I don’t know what you’re talking about.” She glances across the restaurant quickly, catching sight of Erin just as she throws her head back and laughs at something Patty says to her.

Then she happens to look over and meet Holtz’s gaze for a brief second. She smiles and gives her a little wave.

Holtz returns the wave, swallows, and slowly looks back at Abby, who’s watching her with raised eyebrows.

“It’s so obvious that you have a crush on her.”

“I don’t have a crush on her,” Holtz says, and it’s true.

She had a crush on Erin for the first hour that she knew her.

Ever since then, she’s been falling in love with her.

Completely different.

“You have my blessing, you know.”

Holtz flips the Ghost Chipper over and doesn’t meet Abby’s eyes. “I thought you hated her.”

“I did. Now I don’t.”

“Great. Now that that’s all cleared up.” Holtz looks up. “I gotta get back to work.”

“She broke up with Phil,” Abby adds. “In case you didn’t know.”

“I heard.”

“Heard what?”

Holtz jumps. “Erin!”

Erin smiles. “Holtzmann!”

“I’m going to go over there to do something.” Abby points.

“No, Abby—” Holtz calls after her, but she’s already gone, mouthing _tell her_ over her shoulder as she crosses the lab.

“What did you hear?” Erin prompts again.

“Nothing,” Holtz says. “Nothing at all.”

“Oh, okay.” A pause. “What are you working on?”

Erin smells like coffee and Head & Shoulders shampoo. She’s standing too close. Holtz is light-headed.

“Sidearms,” she blurts.

“Cool,” Erin says happily. “You got something for me?”

Holtz makes a loud throat-clearing noise as if she can clear out all the impure thoughts in her brain.

“I don’t have anything for you,” she says.

Not a single feeling.

“Oh,” Erin says, and she sounds hurt. “That’s okay. You’re…busy.”

What Holtz wants to say is that she’ll always make time for Erin.

“I gotta get back to it,” she says instead. “I’ll talk to you later?”

“Right. Of course.” Erin backs away from the worktable. “Sorry for bothering you.”

What Holtz wants to say is that Erin couldn’t bother her even if she tried.

She gives her a half-assed smile instead. “No worries.”

She continues to work on the sidearms, and in her peripherals, she can see Erin watching her from her desk for the rest of the day.

 

She gives Erin her Swiss Army knife, and Abby gives her a knowing look. Holtz flips her off behind Erin’s back.

 

They face the end of the world, and Holtz almost tells her.

If this is the end, why shouldn’t she?

Then Erin jumps into a ghost portal to save Abby, and it’s too late.

 

She comes back, they both do, which means Holtz has a second chance. But how do you justify an end-of-the-world confession when you prevented the end of the world?

 

A few days later, she and Patty are in the bathroom of the bar where they’re waiting to meet the mayor’s assistant. Holtz is sitting up on the counter between the sinks, and Patty is leaning towards the mirror, reapplying her lipstick.

“You love her, don’t you?”

“Who?”

“Erin.”

Holtz swings her legs and examines the paper towel dispenser. “I love all of you.”

“That’s sweet, but not what I meant.” Patty caps her lipstick and returns it to her purse, turning to look at Holtz. “Why don’t you just go for it? Ask her out?”

“I can’t.”

“Why not?”

“Why not?” Holtz repeats. “C’mon. It’s _Erin._ ” She motions with her hands. Need she say more?

“Yeah? So?”

“I just can’t, okay? I missed my shot. I should’ve asked her out back when I first met her. Now all this time has passed and it would just be weird.”

Patty claps her on the shoulder. “Baby, I mean this with love, but everything you _do_ is weird. Don’t let that hold you back.”

Holtz chuckles and hops off the counter. “Come on, let’s go meet Jennifer and see how much trouble we’re in.”

 

She gives a speech about love, and she looks at Erin when she says the word.

For now, that’s enough.

Maybe one day she’ll tell her for real.

 

 


	2. ii. hiding

ii.     hiding

“Oh my _god_ , I’m giving up on dating.” Erin flops down onto the living room couch and lands with her head in Holtz’s lap.

“What happened to Ross the cryptozoologist?” Holtz asks, smile in her voice.

Erin looks up at her. “For the last time, he was just a regular zoologist.”

“Sure he was. Just like I’m a ‘regular’ engineer.”

Erin rolls her eyes. “Holtz.”

Holtz boops her on the nose. “So? What happened? I thought you liked him?”

“I did, until the guy took me out on three very enjoyable dates, brought me back to his place, slept with me, and _then_ told me that he wasn’t looking to get involved with anyone.”

Holtz’s face twists above her. “Ugh. Remember when I warned you that Rosses are the worst kind of man?”

“They’re _all_ the worst.”

Holtz snorts. “I can’t say I disagree with you there. Have you ever considered—”

“Dating is just the _worst_. I’m so over it, Holtzmann.”

“Well, it’s not all bad,” Holtz says quietly.

“Oh, come on.” Erin scrambles upright and sits cross-legged beside Holtz, facing her. “You understand. Just before I met you, you got out of a serious relationship, right? What was her name again?”

Holtz stares at the ceiling. “Claire.”

“Right! Claire! And you were dating for like—”

“Two years.”

“Two _years_ , and then she told you she was straight and _dumped_ you for a _man_ —”

Holtz mimes stabbing herself in the heart. “Oof. Thanks, Erin. You know, I had completely forgotten!”

Erin laughs softly. “I’m sorry, Holtz. I didn’t mean to remind you. I just…dating _sucks_.”

“Yeah.” Holtz stretches her arm along the back of the couch and sighs. “I guess it does.”

 

Erin gets to the second floor and has to do two sweeps before she finds Holtz crouching behind one of the worktables.

“Why are you on the floor?” she asks.

Holtz looks up, stands up, and pulls off her goggles. “Just checking something.” She eyes Erin’s jacket and purse. “You ready to go home already? Can you give me ten minutes? I need to finish something up. Then I’m all yours for _Bachelor_ night. I was thinking Thai tonight, but I’m flexible if you’re—”

“Holtz. I’m so sorry—we’ll have to postpone. I have a date.”

Holtz stops in her tracks. “What?”

“Yeah, sorry, I should’ve said something earlier but…you understand, right? I’m sorry for bailing on you last minute…”

“Course I understand. That’s what DVR is for, right?” Holtz laughs nervously. “What happened to swearing off dating, though?”

“Well, you know.” Erin shrugs. “I’m 40 and single and don’t want to die alone. So.”

“Right.” Holtz finger-guns her. “Gotchu.”

“You sure you’re okay?”

Holtz shoos her away. “Go. Have fun. I can invite Patty over.”

“Patty already went home.”

“Okaaay, I won’t invite Patty over. Seriously, it’s fine. But you owe me Thai, alright?”

Erin grins. “Deal.” She waves and heads for the stairs, then pauses and turns back. “Oh, and Holtz?”

Holtz’s head snaps up. “Yeah?”

“Don’t work too late, okay?”

Holtz smiles, but it doesn’t reach her eyes. “Anything for you, Erin.”

 

When Erin gets back from her date, their apartment is dark. She presses her ear up against Holtz’s door, but there’s no sound of her notoriously loud sleep-talking. She’s not home.

She probably fell asleep at the firehouse again.

Erin sighs as she makes her way to her own bedroom. She’s found it hard to be alone at the apartment ever since Holtz moved in a few months ago following one-too-many accidental fires at her old place, a small colony of radioactive mice, a few unauthorized paint jobs, and an incident involving a kiddie pool filled with concrete—all of which culminated in an eviction notice.

She’s been a perfectly lovely roommate, though, so Erin has no complaints.

 

Holtz is in the kitchen when Erin wakes up. Erin never heard her come in last night.

“I told you not to work too late,” she says as she reaches the coffee pot.

“I didn’t.” Holtz shrugs as the toaster pops up. She removes the two slices of toast, butters them, and adds them to the stack on her plate. “How was the date?”

“Nothing to write home about,” Erin says with a sigh as she pours herself a mug of coffee. “He said he’d call, but I don’t think he will.”

Holtz adds two more slices of bread to the toaster and presses the lever. “Boo. He doesn’t deserve you, then.”

Erin bites her lip and feels her cheeks pink. “Thank you.” She blows on her coffee to cool it and then takes a sip, leaning against the counter as she does so.

She looks up to see Holtz staring at her.

“What?” She straightens up. “Do I have something on my face? Are my nipples showing through this shirt?”

Holtz appears to choke. “Nope, no, definitely not.” She picks up her plate and Toast Mountain wobbles. “Uh, I’m going to go eat and get dressed.”

She shuffles off faster than Erin can blink.

“Wait, Holtz, your toast!” she calls after her, glancing at the toaster.

“Those ones were for you,” Holtz calls back, and then she slams her bedroom door.

The toast pops up. Erin eyes it.

“Okay, then,” she mutters.

 

“Holtz, do you think I’m unlovable?”

Holtz looks up from where she’s sprawled on the living room rug, beer in hand. “What?”

Erin sullenly swirls her wine around in its glass. “Is that why I’ve never had any luck dating? Is that why men can’t stop breaking up with me? Is that why I’m destined to be alone? Am I just unlovable?”

Holtz sets her beer on the coffee table and sits up. “Erin! God. Of course you’re not unlovable.”

“I think I might be,” Erin says. “It’s like, I look in the mirror every day and like, _god,_ I wouldn’t want to date me! I’m awkward and neurotic and always say the wrong thing and I research ghosts for a living and I won’t deny that I _kind of_ dress a little…frumpily sometimes, and—”

“Erin.”

“—I just look at the woman I see in the mirror and I want to say to her _it’s no wonder that nobody wants to be with you_.” Erin drops her head into her hand.

“Erin, look at me.”

Erin looks up, taking a few big gulps of wine as she does so.

Holtz is watching her with troubled eyes. “You can’t talk to yourself that way.”

“But—”

“No, you need to look that woman in the eyes and tell her—” Holtz stares across the room like she’s searching for the words— “tell her that she’s a goddamn gem in this godforsaken world. Tell her that she’s _perfectly_ awkward and neurotic. Tell her that she never says what people expect her to say, and that’s what’s so great about talking to her. Tell her that her career and her style and her hobbies and her passions are all what makes her the most interesting woman in the entire solar system. You tell her that—”

Erin is clutching the stem of her wine glass between purpling fingers. She moves closer to the edge of the couch. “That what?”

Holtz’s voice softens, turning her head to make eye contact. “Tell her that she’s _so_ incredible, and she shouldn’t change a single thing about herself, because anyone who is passing up loving her…will never know what they’re missing out on.” She shakes her head. “You’re not unlovable, Erin. If someone like you is unlovable, the rest of us might as well give up now. Someday, someone is going to be—” She hangs her head— “so in love with you that it hurts them to be away from you, hurts them to breathe, and you are going to think back on this moment and wonder how you could have ever doubted that.”

Holtz looks up, gives her a small, crooked half-smile, and picks up her beer again. “Okay?”

Erin exhales, swallows, nods.

“Okay,” she says, a sudden ache in her throat, “I’ll make sure to tell her.”

Every time she looks in the mirror after that, all she can hear are Holtz’s words echoing in her head.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ...and they were roommates


	3. iii. forgetting

iii.     forgetting

“Tell me something, Patty. How can she not know what she’s doing to me?”

Patty follows her gaze across the roof to where Erin is standing under a string of fairy lights, drink in her hand, laughing with the man she brought to the party. Nicholas.

“Uh, I’m gonna go out on a limb and say it’s ’cause you’ve never told her how you feel.”

Holtz tears her eyes away from Erin in that deep blue dress and loosens her tie. “I just wish I knew. Before.”

“You _did_ know. I told you to tell her. So did Abby.”

“Not what I meant.” Holtz pushes up the falling sleeve of her shirt. “I wish I knew I was destined to have my heart broken by her.” She looks back across the roof, across the sea of friends and family and colleagues who have come to celebrate their first year as the Ghostbusters. “Now I’m just that idiot who fell in love with _another_ straight woman.”

“You’re not an idiot, baby. You can be a little thick sometimes, but there’s nothing stupid about fallin’ for someone you shouldn’t have. People do that all the time.”

Holtz stares at the table that they’re standing at. An empty glass. A small plate with some cocktail shrimp and bacon-wrapped scallops that she doesn’t have an appetite for.

“Look,” Patty says after a silence, “you can come stay with me for a while if you need to. Get away for a bit. Maybe some distance would be good.”

“I don’t want distance,” Holtz grumbles, her chest aching.

“I know. But maybe you gotta start thinking about…”

Holtz looks up. “What?”

Patty studies her for a few seconds, then glances over her shoulder and back. “Why don’t we blow this party off? Go get drunk and forget about everything goin’ on for a little while? Seems like you could use it.”

Holtz’s brow crinkles. “It’s our party, though.”

“So? Tell everyone you feel sick and I’m taking you home.”

Holtz glances at Erin one last time.

“Okay,” she says. “I’m in.”

 

They can still hear the music from on top of the firehouse as they step out onto the street.

“I don’t actually want to drink any more tonight,” Holtz says with a grimace as they walk. “I’m not a big fan of drinking to forget. I like to drink to remember.”

“Fair enough,” Patty says. “You just wanna head home, then?”

Holtz sighs. “Not really.” Home is Erin. Erin everywhere.

“What do you want to do? This is your party, now. What do you usually do when you’re down?”

“Explode stuff, mostly.”

“Okay, no, something less dangerous.”

Holtz bumps shoulders with her and smiles.

“Alright, come on, then, I know just the place.”

 

The crash of pins is such a soothing sound, Holtz thinks. She’s always thought so.

Patty gets a strike and Holtz jumps out of her seat, throwing her hands in the air and hooting loudly. The beer in her hand sloshes out a bit and hits the geometric carpet. She said she wasn’t going to drink any more, but bowling demands beer.

“ _Boom_. Beat _that!_ ”

Holtz sets her beer down on the table. Her waistcoat is slung over her chair, as is her tie.

“Okay, okay, okay, okay, okay.” She slides past Patty and selects her favourite ball. She holds it up in front of her face and gives it a stern look. “You _got_ this, okay?”

Then she winds up and releases it down the lane. It looks for a second like it’s going to veer left, but then it hits square on.

 “YEAH!” Holtz punches the air as the little screen flashes _HLTZMNN BOWLED A STRIKE!_ with the little dancing pins.

Patty cups her hands around her mouth. “That’s my bitch!” she shouts.

 

Holtz ends up winning, which is no surprise, because she’s been bowling since she was four years old and likes to come whenever she’s thinking too much.

“Thanks, Patty,” she says as they walk along the street. “I needed that.”

“Anytime, baby, you know that.”

She links their arms and leans her head against Patty’s shoulder. “Can I ask you something? And I want you to be honest.”

Patty laughs. “When am I not?”

Holtz licks her lips and watches a man hopping around on one foot, trying to get a rock out of his shoe.

“Do you think I should give up?”

“On Erin?”

“Yeah.”

“Listen.” Patty sighs. “You can either tell her how you feel and see if she feels the same way, or…you need to start tryin’ to get over her. Find someone else. There’s someone out there for you. Might be Erin, might not, but either way, you gotta figure it out.”

Holtz runs her tongue along her teeth. “Yeah. Thought you’d say that.”

“I just hate seein’ you like this. Torn up over her. You can’t stay like this forever.”

Holtz is quiet. “I don’t think I can tell her. It’s so obvious that she doesn’t feel the same way. It’s never going to happen. She’s straight, and she’s only ever going to see me as a friend.”

“Okay, if that’s what you think, then you know what you gotta do.”

“Yeah.” Holtz lets out a long sigh. “I need to move on.”

 

She slips inside the apartment hoping that Erin is still at the party, but she’s curled up on the couch, heels lying on the rug in front of her, hair unpinned from her earlier updo. Holtz’s breath catches.

“Hey,” Erin says, face unreadable. “Where have you been?”

_Avoiding you_ , she wants to say.

“Bowling with Patty,” she says instead, because she can never stop herself from telling Erin the truth.

Except when it counts.

“I thought you were sick,” Erin says.

“No,” Holtz says, coming to sit beside her on the couch. “Just not feelin’ the party tonight.”

“Oh.” Erin stares at her hands, then looks back up at Holtz. “Well, we missed you.”

“I’m sure you did,” Holtz says with false bravado. “A party’s not a party without Holtzmann there.”

Erin laughs quietly. She glances at the waistcoat and tie draped over Holtz’s arm. “You looked nice tonight, by the way,” she says, almost shyly.

Holtz swallows and examines the floor. “Thanks. You did too.”

“Th—”

“I’m gonna go to bed,” Holtz interrupts, standing abruptly. “See you tomorrow?”

Erin falters. “Yeah. I’ll…see you tomorrow.”

Holtz gives a little wave as she walks towards her bedroom.

“Goodnight, Erin.”

There’s a pause.

“Goodnight, Holtz.”

Once inside her room, Holtz slides her back down her closed door until her butt hits the floor, and she shuts her eyes and tells herself she’s not going to cry over Erin. Not today. Not ever.

 

She falls asleep there, slumped over in front of her door, and is only woken up when the floorboard outside her room creaks.

She holds her breath and she can hear Erin breathing on the other side. Ten seconds. Twenty. Thirty.

She stands there a full minute before the floorboard creaks again and she moves down the hall. Her own bedroom door opens and closes.

Holtz stays there for a few minutes longer, just listening, and then she pulls herself up and flops onto her bed.

Tomorrow she’ll start getting over Erin.

Tonight she’s going to love her for a little bit longer.

 

 


	4. iv. knowing

iv.     knowing

Erin dials Abby and sits down at the kitchen table as it rings.

“Oh, hey, Erin,” Abby answers. “I’m kind of in the middle of something—”

“Yeah, I know. My surprise party.”

Abby swears. “How did you know?”

“Holtz talks in her sleep.”

“Ah, crap on a crustacean. She does, doesn’t she?”

“Anyway, she’s why I’m phoning. I figured she was the one who was supposed to bring me to wherever the party is—you know, because she’s been rehearsing what to say to me in her sleep—but it’s starting to get late and I haven’t heard from her in hours. I was just wondering how much longer it’ll be. Should I take my shoes off?”

“Why are you like this?” Abby grumbles, then clears her throat. “Yeah, that’s actually the thing I’m in the middle of. I just dropped Holtz off at the airport.”

“ _What?_ ” Erin stands up. “Where is she going?”

“Germany.” Abby sighs. “Don’t worry about it. I’m on my way to get you now. Keep your shoes on.”

 

Erin opens the door to find Abby on the other side, arm raised to knock.

“Why is she going to Germany?” she asks before Abby can even open her mouth.

“Happy birthday, Erin,” Abby deadpans. “Would you like to come with me for a not-at-all suspicious drive to a totally unimportant location?”

Erin huffs. “Abby…”

Abby motions. “Come on, I’ll tell you in the car.”

Erin presses her lips together, but steps into the hall and locks the door.

 

“Germany?” Erin prompts before Abby has even turned the Ecto’s ignition.

“Yeah.” Abby rolls her eyes. “God, she’s stupid. She’s receiving an award and got a week-long, all-expenses-paid trip to attend the ceremony. Which she forgot about. Until a few hours ago.”

“Oh my god.” Erin shakes her head. “Yeah, that sounds like her.”

“So she was scrambling, obviously. She nearly missed her flight. Anyway, she said to tell you that she’s sorry she’s missing your party.” Abby looks at her quickly. “Forget I said that. There’s no party.”

“Give it a rest, Abby,” Erin teases, but her heart is falling.

This sucks. She’s excited for Holtz, proud that she’s receiving an award, but she doesn’t want to spend her birthday without her.

 

When they get to Erin’s favourite restaurant, her closest friends and family (sans Holtz) are seated around a table talking. None of them seem to notice her and Abby walk in.

“Hey, everyone,” Erin says cheerfully as she approaches the table.

Patty nearly chokes on her water. “ _Abby_ , you were supposed to text us.”

Abby waves her hand. “Whatever, she knew anyway.”

“Thanks, guys.” Erin takes a seat in the chair with a balloon tied to it. “I really appreciate the gesture. I think I’m just impossible to surprise.”

“I wouldn’t be so sure of that,” Patty says under her breath.

Erin turns her head. “Hm?”

“Nothing! So, guess we can order now.” Patty picks up her menu and hides behind it.

Erin glances at the empty seat beside her, swallows, and opens her own menu.

 

“Thank you, Kevin, I love it.” Erin holds the handknit sweater against her torso and gives him a smile. “You know, I think it’s a really unique design. I’ve never seen a sweater with only one sleeve before.”

“It’s for if you break your arm and it’s in a sling,” Kevin says. “Or if you lose it in a boating accident.”

Erin blinks and looks down at the sweater. “But what if I hurt my left arm?”

“Well, then you won’t need any sleeves, see.”

“No, I meant—”

“Not worth it,” Patty says.

“Good call.” Erin folds up the sweater and returns it to the grocery bag Kevin gave it to her in.

Abby pushes a small box wrapped in newspaper down the table. “Holtz gave me that to give to you.”

Erin perks up. “Oh!”

She eagerly reaches for the box. It has a thin wire tied in a bow around it. Holtz’s signature wrap-job. She carefully removes it and peels back the tape on the paper, excited to see what kind of quirky, homemade, funny gift Holtz has given her this time.

Once she gets the paper off, she realizes it’s a jewelry box. Her mouth goes dry as she lifts the lid off.

“Oh my god,” she breathes when she sees the slender bracelet inside. “I can’t believe she remembered.”

Patty leans over to see. “Oh shit. Damn.”

Erin is almost scared to touch it. “We were shopping— _months_ ago—and I saw this in a little jewelry shop. I thought it was so beautiful. She must have gone back and got it.” She shakes her head in amazement. “I can’t believe she did that. This is way too much for a dumb birthday.”

Abby snorts from down the table without looking up from her crème brûlée. “Please. Holtz has always been the most extra. This is just like when she fell in love with Claire and bought her this _ridiculously_ expensive crystal flamingo.”

The table goes silent. Erin stares.

“What did you just say?”

Abby looks up slowly, then abruptly drops her spoon. “Crystal flamingo?” she repeats quickly.

“No,” Erin says, “no, no, before that. The—the love part?”

Nobody says anything. Abby looks across the table at Patty, who’s shaking her head at her with wide eyes.

“Somebody tell me what’s going on,” Erin says. “Is Holtz…”

She doesn’t even know how to finish that sentence. Doesn’t know if she _can_ finish that sentence.

“Haaaaappy birthday to you!” comes a sudden chorus of voices from across the restaurant, and Erin looks over in horror to see the entire wait staff parading over.

Half of the table joins in singing, but Abby and Patty are having a frantic, mouthed conversation over the table. At the last second as the parade reaches them, they join in loudly.

The person in front sets down a piece of cake with a burning candle in it, and Erin doesn’t take her eyes off Patty and Abby as she blows out the flame. The restaurant staff cheers and the rest of the restaurant politely applauds.

Erin waits until they’ve all left, then slumps back in her chair, stunned. Abby and Patty exchange another look but Erin ignores them.

“I can’t believe this,” she says softly.

 

“Did you seriously not know?”

Erin looks up at Patty from where she’s sitting on the living room couch, pillow in her lap. Patty is in the kitchen behind the counter and Abby’s pacing around the apartment.

“No! Of course not.” Erin shakes her head and picks at the pillow. “I mean, when I first met her, it seemed like she was flirting with me, but then it sorta went away, so I just…” She looks up. “Both of you knew?”

“Yep.”

“Well, I mean, it was so obvious.”

“ _So_ obvious.”

Erin considers that. “And neither of you told me?”

“C’mon, Erin,” Patty says, “you know that wasn’t our place.”

“We did tell her to tell you.”

“So many times.”

“ _So_ many.”

“Stop repeating each other,” Erin grumbles. “So, what, she…wants to date me?”

“Well, given the fact that she’s desperately in love with you,” Abby says dryly, “I’d say she probably wouldn’t mind going out for drinks some time.”

“I just can’t believe this,” Erin says, and stands. “I’ve got to talk to her.”

“She’s in Germany,” Abby says quickly.

“Right.” Erin sits back down. “I guess I’ll have to wait until she’s back.”

“Hey,” Patty says, “you gotta let her down gently, okay? This is Holtzy we’re talking about. She’s gonna be devastated.”

Erin looks up. “Who said anything about letting her down?”

“Wait.” Abby stops pacing. “You’re gonna go for it?”

Erin throws her hands up. “I don’t know! I _just_ found out about this.”

Patty comes out from around the counter. “But you’re straight, aren’t you?”

“I don’t know,” Erin says.

“What do you mean, you don’t know?” Abby says.

At the same time, Patty says, “Do you like her?”

“I don’t know,” Erin says to answer both of them. She stares at the painting on the wall across from her, the one that Holtz rescued from a dumpster. Erin never thought she’d let someone hang garbage on her wall, but here she is.

Here she is.

With a best friend and roommate who’s in love with her.

“I’ve never thought of her like that before,” she says softly. “She’s Holtz.”

Patty comes and sits beside her on the couch, and Abby perches on the arm.

“ _Could_ you see her like that?” Patty asks.

“I…”

“Don’t know,” Patty and Abby finish together.

Erin hangs her head.

“Well, good news.” Abby pats her on the shoulder. “You’ve got a week to figure it out.”

“Right,” Erin says.

One week.

 

One week is a long time.

“Hey.”

Erin looks up from her work to see Abby standing in front of her desk.

“Hey,” she replies, and bends her head again.

“You know what I just remembered? Holtz’s flight gets in in about an hour.” Abby taps her chin. “I was supposed to go pick her up, but wouldn’t you know it, I totally forgot about an appointment I have.”

“What appointment?” Erin asks, head still down.

“That’s personal,” Abby says.

There’s a small jangle and clunk as the keys to the Ecto land on Erin’s desk.

“Send Kevin,” Erin mutters.

“Kev’s not allowed to drive the Ecto.”

“Abby, come on.” Erin looks up. “I know what you’re doing.”

“Great, so I don’t have to pretend. You’ve gotta go to her, Er. Go tell her how you feel.”

“I don’t _feel_ anything,” Erin says. “I’ve been thinking a lot, and I don’t think it would work out. I couldn’t…date her. If I did, it would be like I was dating all of you.”

“You could not be more wrong about that one.”

“You know what I mean. There’d be all this pressure for things to work out, because what if they didn’t? What would happen to us?”

“That sounds like a whole lotta BS excuses.”

“But—”

“Look, Erin, if you like her, or if you think you _might_ like her, you gotta stop worrying about what might happen. You have to tell her.”

Erin swallows.

Then she grabs the keys.

 

Erin stands in the arrivals area, clutching a miniature can of Pringles that she got from the nearby vending machine. She alternates between staring at the arrivals board and the bracelet around her wrist.

She’s not actually sure what she’s going to tell Holtz.

She’s hoping she’ll know when she sees her.

The text beside Holtz’s flight switches to _Arrived_. Erin’s heart speeds up.

She cranes her neck to try and see her among the flood of passengers. Finally, she spots the oh-so-familiar yellow goggles resting atop a puff of blonde hair that’s bobbing through the crowd.

Erin waits.

Then the crowd thins, and she can see all of Holtz, and she sees that she’s walking with a woman. A woman who has her arm around her.

Erin takes a few involuntary steps back.

Holtz sees her, and her face lights up.

“Erin!” she calls.

Erin can’t say anything, just stare in shock as Holtz reaches her, woman in tow.

“I thought Abby was coming to get me?”

“She—appointment.”

Erin can’t stop looking at the woman. She’s tall, taller than Erin, with caramel-brown hair past her shoulders that looks perfect even though she’s been on a plane for god knows how long. She’s wearing ripped black jeans and a white button-up shirt with the sleeves sloppily rolled up and the top few buttons undone, which seems like a totally normal outfit to wear on an aircraft.

Even just standing there, she’s got a swagger to match Holtz’s. It’s something about the confident way she’s got one arm slung around Holtz and the other in her back pocket.

“Are those for me?” Holtz asks gleefully.

Erin tears her eyes away from the woman and follows Holtz’s gaze to the Pringles.

“Oh. Yes. I thought you…might be hungry after your flight.” She shoves them in Holtz’s direction robotically.

Holtz takes the can. “You’re the best. Hey—you got the bracelet!”

Erin glances at her wrist. “Oh, yes. Um. Thank you.” She looks back at the woman.

She tilts her head, looking Erin up and down in a completely conspicuous manner. “Who’s your friend, Jillian?” she asks in a deep, slightly hoarse voice.

God, she even _sounds_ cool.

“Oh, where’s my head at?” Holtz says with a laugh. “This is Erin. Erin, this is Morgan.”

“Oh, Dr. Gilbert, right? I’ve heard so much about you.”

How is it that she manages to make Erin’s full title sound more diminutive than her first name?

“We should go,” she blurts. “Car—that way.” She turns and walks, not looking behind herself to see if they’re following.

It wouldn’t be the worst thing if they got lost.

 

Holtz demands to drive because she says she’s missed the Ecto, and Morgan takes the passenger’s seat, which leaves Erin in the backseat trying not to get carsick.

“Did I mention that Morgan’s an engineer?”

“Yep,” Erin forces out. “You said that.”

They’re holding hands between their seats. Erin cranks the window down and all but shoves her head out it.

 

She bursts into the firehouse.

“I am going to _kill_ you guys,” she hisses at Abby and Patty.

“What—”

The door opens behind her and Holtz steps inside, pulling Morgan by the hand.

“Look who I brought back,” Erin says through gritted teeth. “It’s Holtz. And Morgan.”

Patty shares a panic-stricken look with Abby.

“Welcome back?” Abby says, stepping closer. “Um. Who’s this?”

“Guys, this is Morgan!” Holtz announces. “Morgan, that’s Abby, and that’s Patty, and over there with the phone cord wrapped around his leg is Kevin.”

Kevin pops up his head. “Hello! Welcome to the Ghostbusters.”

Morgan waves. “Hey.”

“You can take a seat in the waiting area and someone will be right with you.”

“No, Kev, she’s with me. She’s my girlfriend.”

Erin is shooting daggers out her eyes at Abby.

“It’s…nice to meet you,” Patty says cautiously.

“How’d this happen?” Abby blurts.

“Get this—” Holtz says— “I knew Morgan back in grad school but I haven’t seen her since. Then I get to my hotel in Germany, and who should I find?”

“Morgan!” Erin says. “Isn’t that _such_ a coincidence? It’s so, _so_ great.”

“Turns out, she was getting an award too. Isn’t that wild? And now here we are.”

“Here we are,” Erin repeats chipperly. “Anyhoo, I’m going to go home now, because it’s five o’clock and I am sick. Goodbye, all!”

“Wait, Erin, your stuff is still—”

“Sorry, I can’t hear you, I’m going,” she calls over her shoulder. “See you tomorrow!”

“It’s Fri—”

But she’s already outside.

 

The next morning, Erin slinks out of her room as quietly as possible, hoping that maybe—

“Erin!”

“Heeeyyy, Holtz,” she says, and glances back at her bedroom door. “Uh. Is there any way you could close your eyes for a second?”

“Uh, why?”

The door opens, and out steps Erin’s biggest regret.

“Erin, you left without making your bed. Could you—oh.”

Holtz’s eyebrows are at the ceiling. “ _Phil?_ ” She looks at Erin. “You’ve got to be kidding me.”

“Who is this?” Phil asks in a pinched voice.

“My roommate,” Erin says sullenly.

“Erin, you are 41 years old. What do you mean, your ‘roommate?’”

“Ooh, buddy, you’d better get out of this apartment before I punch you for talking to her like that,” Holtz says, crossing her arms.

“Excuse me?” Phil asks, disgust in his voice. “How dare you talk to me like that.”

“No, no, she’s right,” Erin says, pinching the bridge of her nose. “Get out.”

“You have got to be kidding me, Erin,” Phil says. “You know what? Next time you come knocking at my door and begging to have me back, I’m not going to come—”

“Two minutes in?” Erin interjects. “Oh, thank god, I don’t know how I’m going to find someone who can top that. I’ve had _yawns_ longer.”

His jaw drops.

Holtz covers her mouth with her hand to (poorly) hide her laughter.

Phil turns beet red, grabs his coat, and hastily exits the apartment.

“Good fuckin’ riddance,” Holtz says, still laughing. “Come on, Erin, that guy?”

“I don’t want to talk about it,” Erin says.

 

“What happened, Patty?” Erin groans as she watches Holtz dance over by the containment unit. “A few weeks ago she was just Holtz, and now she’s… _Holtz_.”

“Man, you got it bad.”

“And you got it _wrong_. You told me she liked me!”

“She did!” Patty looks uncomfortable. “I also…may have caused this. I told her she needed to get over you. That was before you found out, though. Months ago.”

Erin shakes her head. “Whatever. It was clearly not meant to happen.”

“I wanted it to,” Patty says. “We all did.”

“I know.” Erin chews on her bottom lip. “I think I did too.”

 

“So, I need advice.” Holtz plunks herself down on the couch and swings her legs up onto Erin’s lap.

Erin holds her book up out of the way. “About what?”

“Morgan.”

Erin clenches her jaw. “Oh.”

“See, we’ve been together for a few weeks, now, but we haven’t…you know. Done it.”

That gets Erin’s attention. She bookmarks her page and sets the book aside. “You haven’t?”

“No.” Holtz scratches her neck. “I kind of…this is embarrassing. I haven’t been with anyone…since Claire.”

“Oh,” Erin repeats. “Okay. That’s understandable.”

“And Claire was…y’know.”

“Straight?”

Holtz rolls her eyes. “Yeah, that too. No, she was…my first.”

“ _Oh_. So wait…you’ve only ever slept with one person?”

“Yep. So it’s like…there’s all this pressure now. I keep coming up with excuses, but the longer I put it off, the _more_ pressure there is, and I can tell Morgan is starting to get antsy and I don’t know what to do.”

Erin considers that.

“You know,” she says slowly, “I think waiting is good. If you don’t feel ready, you should wait. For however long it takes. Even if it’s, gosh, I don’t know, _months_. Or _years_.”

Holtz raises an eyebrow. “Really?”

“Absolutely. Your comfort is most important. Plus, I actually…I think it’s romantic. You’re not rushing into anything, and when…or _if_ …it happens, it’ll be more meaningful. More special. I really think you should wait.”

“Did you just say ‘if?’”

“Well.” Erin shrugs. “You may not need to ever sleep with her. Lots of people don’t need sex as part of a relationship. Just look at Abby.”

“Uh, Abby’s ace, Erin.”

“Morgan could be too, you never know.”

Holtz smiles. “I appreciate the inclusivity, Er, but if I had to guess—based on some choice conversations and the _very_ R-rated photos I’ve been receiving lately—I _don’t_ think so.”

Erin flushes. “Oh. Well, all the same, I still think you should wait. For as long as possible.”

Holtz laughs. “I’ll consider that. I really do want it to be perfect, though. I don’t want to mess things up with her.”

“I don’t think you could mess things up,” Erin says quietly.

“What if I do everything wrong? What if I’ve forgotten how to do the sex? What if I was never good at it and that’s why Claire went back to men? What if—”

“Holtz. Just be yourself. If she’s scared off by something as silly as…a bad first time…then she doesn’t deserve you.” Erin pauses. “Also, screw Claire. She sounds like a piece of work, and whatever happened there was _not_ your fault.”

Holtz’s face softens. “Thanks, Erin.” She sighs happily. “Morgan is just so perfect. I’m so happy with her. So much happier than I have been in a long time, and way happier than I ever was with Claire.”

Erin’s chest aches. “I’m glad,” she whispers, and for the first time, she means it.

“Can I tell you something?” Holtz asks.

Erin’s heart stutters. “Yes?”

“I think I’m falling in love with her. Am I crazy?”

Erin swallows and studies her eager eyes, crooked smile, and slight pink tinge to her cheeks.

“Yes,” she replies, “you’re the craziest person I know, Holtz.”

Holtz chuckles.

“But it’s not crazy to love her,” Erin says. “Not at all.” She swallows again, swallows her pride, and bites her lip. “I think you should tell her how you feel.”

Holtz sits up. “Really?”

Erin smiles and nods. “Yes. Tell her.”

 

Erin wakes up the next morning to the smell of bacon and eggs. She pokes her head out of her bedroom to see Holtz in the kitchen piling breakfast food on a plate and whistling.

She spots Erin. “Hey! Morning!”

Erin pulls her housecoat tighter as she ambles to the kitchen. “You’re chipper.”

Holtz grins at her. “I did it. I told Morgan last night.”

“Oh.” Erin licks her lips. “And?”

“Aaaand we did it.”

Erin is finding it hard to breathe. “Congrats. I’m happy for you.” She glances at the food, then down the hall. “Oh, are you making her breakfast? That’s sweet, Holtz.”

“What? Oh, no, she’s not here. This is for you.”

Erin feels her face heat up. “For me?”

“Yeah, for telling me to go for it. It’s a thank-you-for-getting-me-laid brunch!”

For a few seconds, Erin can only stand there.

“How can I say no to that?” she squeaks finally.

How can everything change this much in such a short amount of time?

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tables: Turned  
> Plot of Friends: Adapted  
> Situation: Pretty Bleak
> 
> Am I forcibly removed from the Holtzbert fandom? Only time will tell!


	5. v. loving

v.     loving

“Hey, Holtz?”

Holtz breaks off mid-sentence from the story she’s telling Patty and cocks her head at Erin, who has materialized out of nowhere.

“Yes?”

“I just wanted to let you know that I have a date tonight.”

“Oh—okay?”

“So I won’t be coming home with you,” Erin adds.

“Right.” Holtz taps her pen on her clipboard. “Well, I think I’m going out to dinner with Morgan tonight anyway.”

“Great!” Erin says in an overly chipper voice.

Holtz might be crazy, but she’s pretty sure that Erin doesn’t like Morgan. She gets all weird and fake-cheerful every time Holtz mentions her.

She doesn’t really know what to do about that, because Erin is her best friend and she doesn’t want her to hate her girlfriend.

There’s a beat. Holtz stares at the clipboard in her hand.

“Well, I gotta go,” Erin says. “She’ll be waiting for me.”

“Who will? Holtz asks without looking up.

“My date.”

Holtz’s head snaps up so fast it actually hurts her neck.

“What?” Your date is a woman?”

Erin shrugs. “Yes? Problem?”

Holtz glances at Patty, who doesn’t look fazed.

This feels like a trap somehow.

“Of course not,” she says. “I just…didn’t know…that you…”

Erin raises an eyebrow.

Holtz clears her throat loudly. “So what’s her name?”

Erin crosses her arms. “Jill.”

Holtz’s eyebrows shoot to the ceiling. “Seriously?”

“What?” Erin says, voice challenging.

“ _Jill?_ You don’t think that’s—” She looks at Patty for help, but she’s staring in the opposite direction in complete disinterest— “a funny coincidence?” she finishes meekly.

“I don’t get the joke,” Erin replies flatly.

Holtz clears her throat again. “Never mind. Have fun.”

“Will do. See ya, Patty.”

“Bye, girl,” Patty says.

Then Erin walks away, leaving Holtz with Patty, who isn’t giving any indication that she witnessed that conversation.

“What the hell was that?”

“What?”

“That!” Holtz gestures in the direction of the door.

“Uh, _that_ was Erin.”

“Yeah, but—”

“Can you finish your story? I gotta leave soon.”

“Do you _also_ have a date with a woman with the same name as me?”

Patty gives her a look. “Let it go.”

“But—”

“Let it _go._ ”

“Fine,” Holtz huffs. “Okay, so where was I? Right, the cantaloupe…”

 

“Hey. Tell me something.”

Holtz looks up from pushing rice absentmindedly around her plate.

“Did you ever have feelings for Erin?” Morgan asks bluntly.

Holtz drops her fork. “What? Me?”

Morgan waits.

“I…maybe…might have…like a _zillion_ years ago,” Holtz mumbles.

“When?”

“Just…like…ages ago.”

“When, Jillian?”

“If I have to ballpark, I’d say, like…up until the day I met you. Or earlier. Probably earlier. That’s just a guesstimate.”

Morgan sighs.

“No, no, don’t sigh like that! I know what you’re thinking, but it’s not like that at all. It was nothing. I had, like, the tiniest crush on her. Back when I first met her. And it was _obviously_ not going anywhere, so I stopped flirting with her. See? And then, well, I mean, I fell in love with her. But _then_ I met you! And I forgot all about her!”

Morgan is pinching the bridge of her nose. “Jillian.”

“No, no, no, really, listen, it sounds bad when I say it out loud, but—”

“You don’t fall out of love with someone in a day.”

“No, I do! That’s me! I don’t half-ass anything! All or nothing, that’s me! Boom.” She claps her hands. “Out of love. Just like that. And then, you know, back in it! With you!”

Morgan shakes her head. “No, that’s not how that works.”

“Morgan, I swear, nothing _ever_ happened. I never even told her!”

“Why not?”

“Why not?” Holtz repeats. “Because! Because…she’s _Erin_.”

Morgan stares at her for a few seconds, then twists and grabs her leather jacket from the chair behind her. “Yeah, I’m gonna go.”

“What? No! Why?”

“Because.” Morgan stands. “That right there—the way you just said her name like that—tells me everything I need to know.”

“Morgan, wait—”

Morgan comes around the table. Her hand clamps on Holtz’s shoulder for a second and she leans down.

“If you ever get over her for real, give me a call.”

Then she leaves.

Holtz rips the napkin from her lap and throws it at the table.

 

She goes to the empty firehouse, because where else is she supposed to go? The apartment? To sit and wait for Erin to get home from her date?

She crawls into her favourite hiding spot on the roof with a bottle of liquor that she keeps around to use as an accelerant.

And she wallows.

She’s not sure how long she’s there for when she hears familiar voices.

“Every day is like my own personal hell,” Erin says. “I don’t know how much longer I can do this.”

“It’ll get easier,” Abby says.

They must be close, but Holtz is safely tucked out of view down on the ledge she’s sitting on.

“What if it doesn’t, Abby? What if this is how it is, now? What if it never gets any better? Things have been weird between us ever since she got back from Germany, and I don’t know what to do any more.”

Holtz sits up straighter. Is Erin talking about _her?_

“I’m trying to move on and get over it, but it’s so hard when I _live_ with her and have to hear every day about _Morgan this_ and _Morgan that_. It’s like, I get it! You have a girlfriend! You love her! Fan-fucking-tastic for you!”

Holtz shrinks.

“Look on the bright side,” Abby says. “One day she’ll move out of your apartment and in with Morgan and you won’t have to listen to it every day.”

“Not helping,” Erin says. “ _God_. I hate this so much. I just want Holtz back. _My_ Holtz. Everything has gone to shit since she got back. I wish she’d never gone to stupid Germany. Then she would’ve been there at my birthday and stupid Morgan would never have happened and… _ugh._ What am I supposed to do now?”

“You could try being happy for her.”

“Tried that. Went terribly.”

“Okay, well, you could tell her how you feel.”

Erin laughs. “Oh, yeah, that would be a great conversation. What would I say? ‘Oh, hey Holtz! I hate your girlfriend’s guts and every second you spend with her is like I’m being lit on fire and stabbed by a thousand tiny swords. Why? Great question! I think it’s because I’m in love with you—’”

Holtz drops the liquor bottle. It hits the ledge and shatters into a billion pieces.

The roof goes silent.

“Who’s there?” Abby says loudly.

Shaking, Holtz slowly stands.

They’re a few yards away. Abby looks like she just stood up and Erin is sitting on an exhaust vent, back to Holtz but head turned. Her eyes are wide.

“Oh,” Abby says. She looks back and forth between them for a few seconds. “Shoot, I just forgot about something important I have to do downstairs.” She backs up towards the door.

“No, Abby—”

She’s gone.

Holtz swallows and hops the short brick wall but makes no other move to close the distance between her and Erin.

Erin stands and turns to face her, hands balled up and face the colour of ash.

“How long have you been there?”

“About an hour?”

“Did you hear—”

“Yes.”

Erin looks terrified. “Holtz, I didn’t…you weren’t supposed to hear…”

“You love me?”

There’s a pause, and then Erin shakes her head slowly. “It doesn’t matter,” she breathes.

“Why not?” Holtz manages to choke out.

“Why?” Erin looks at her feet. “Because it just doesn’t. It’s too late. You have a girlfriend.”

Holtz balls up her own fists. “No. No, I don’t.”

Erin looks up. “What?”

“I don’t have a girlfriend,” Holtz says quickly. “She broke up with me.”

Erin stands there, breathing. “Why?”

Holtz rolls her shoulders back. “She—she thinks I’m still in love with someone else.”

There’s the longest pause ever recorded.

“Are you?” Erin whispers.

They stare at each other across the roof.

Holtz inhales.

“Without a doubt,” she whispers back.

Erin takes a step forward

And another.

She doesn’t break pace as she walks across the roof, walks right up to Holtz, takes her head in her hands, and kisses her, all before Holtz can even process what’s happening.

She kisses Erin back immediately, hands coming to rest on her hip and her back, pulling her in closer.

Erin leans her forehead on Holtz’s, gasping.

“Oh, wow,” she breathes.

“ _Finally_ ,” Abby shouts.

They break apart to see her standing over by the door. Erin covers her smile with the sleeve of her hoodie. Holtz loops an arm around her waist to pull her back close, unwilling to be any more than a few inches away from her.

“Hey, Abs, what was that thing you were doing downstairs?” Holtz calls. “It sounded pretty important. Maybe you should get back to it?”

“Sure, sure, I need to call Patty anyway and tell her the news.” Abby turns away, then turns back for a moment. “See? I _told_ you to tell her!” She grins, waves, and then disappears down the stares.

Holtz isn’t entirely sure which one of them Abby was talking to, but as she glances at Erin beside her, cheeks slightly pink, hair a little mussed, and realizes that she’s _hers_ now…she decides it doesn’t really matter.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Look at that! Everything worked out! The rooftop scene was inspired by a prompt I received a long time ago and this [gorgeous accompanying artwork](http://googoogojob.tumblr.com/post/172140146068/contest-is-over-i-can-post-it-yaay-i-know-art). Sorry it took me so long to think of something to write!
> 
> Alright, this was a fun little distraction, now I've got to stop procrastinating and get back to writing the [polaroid sequel](https://archiveofourown.org/works/14768771/chapters/34154606). Actually, now I've got to go pick up a rental car because I'm driving 7 hours tomorrow to see Imagine Dragons. THEN I'll get back to writing the polaroid sequel.


End file.
